Then they say: ‘Something is wrong with our child, that’s noticeable’ “says Römer.

The expert’s appeal to all parents: "Use your common sense and don’t be afraid to make mistakes, because you can’t know everything. And very important: meet your children in a benevolent and clear manner, that can then also have a confrontational effect. Because only strong parents can make their offspring strong."

Further information: www.albert-wunsch.de

Book tip: Albert Wunsch: "The indulgence trap. For an education for more personal responsibility", Munich, 2013

Softened and incompetent: the ” drug pampering ” harms children Upbringing: Clear consequences make more sense than severe punishments Upbringing: Helicopter parents harm their children Thrill, fun, togetherness: the ten best family adventures

You can also find us on Facebook – now a fan of ours "Parent world" and join the discussion!

Children who are cared for and controlled at every turn by over-cautious parents cannot develop normally. Teachers and educational advisors are seeing an increasing number of such helicopter parents. They often turn up at counseling centers or therapists when their child suddenly causes problems. An expert clarifies what the real problem is.

Helicopter parents are fathers and mothers who want the best for their son or daughter, but suffocate the child with their excessive precaution. "Often these children have no place to retreat. They often let off steam elsewhere, rebelling at school, for example" explains Felicitas Römer, family advisor in Hamburg. She knows many cases from her own experience.

Often the problem lies with the parents, not the child

Parents often seek advice when there are complaints about their child – mostly from school. "Then it says: ‘Something is wrong with our child, that’s noticeable’" says Romans. Mostly it turns out that the problem is not with the child, but with the parents. "This is a first step in knowledge that parents have to take." If this insight succeeds, much will be gained.

Explore helicopter parents’ addiction to control

In family counseling centers or family therapy, the aim is to find out the causes of the parents’ addiction to control: Are they afraid of doing something wrong? Did you feel neglected as a child and want to do better with your own offspring? Are you dissatisfied with your own life and do you therefore prefer to concentrate on perfecting your child?

The more adults deal with their own problems, the easier it is to slowly let go of their son or daughter.

The children can do more than parents think they can

According to Römer, implementing changes is not as difficult as expected: "Parents therefore don’t have to turn their lives upside down." It is important to focus on what is going well with the child. This often changes the point of view and mother or father noticed: "My son or daughter can do a lot." If it is possible to focus on the positive, the child is no longer perceived as just a creature with deficits that need to be worked off.

Natural relationship instead of perfection

Römer sees the increased demands on the child as the cause of the excessive care of the helicopter parents: "You have fewer children today, that happens consciously and no longer incidentally, as in the past." This gives the offspring a different emotional status: Everything should be perfect, all doors should be open to the child. But still applies: "The child must feel welcome by the parents. Then the performance comes by itself."

Upbringing: Helicopter parents harm their children ADHD: these are the typical symptoms Police call "Children’s paradise": ” Many children are pampered ” Puberty: when parents are just embarrassed Childhood then and now: Was everything really better in the past?

You can also find us on Facebook – now a fan of ours "Parent world" and join the discussion!

For the renowned Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, education means above all relationship. In his current book, he summarizes the five cornerstones on which this educational keyword is based and how family life can work.

Upbringing, it seems, is a dangerous and obstacle-ridden terrain today, where mothers and fathers can only make mistakes. Where there used to be a consensus about what is right and what is wrong, today a lack of orientation and insecurity dominate a variety of different educational methods.

Pedagogical https://topadultreview.com/japaneese-brides/ guru for insecure parents

One of the people who has given parents groundbreaking help for decades is the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, who is also the founder of the Familylab International network. His views are extremely popular, they appeal to parents because they give support. That is why the 64-year-old’s lectures are always fully booked and his advisors are bestsellers.

Juul’s creed can now be found in his latest work "5 cornerstones for the family – how upbringing works" study on 150 pages in compact form. Here the parenting expert describes his most important theses without dogmatic claim, which form the basis for a successful family life and show how parenting can work – enriched with many examples from everyday therapists and conversations between parents and children.

The cornerstones of equal education

The educational findings, which Juul already discussed in earlier publications and lectures, are divided into five main areas. The author explains in individual chapters what it is about Cooperation and integrity has what Self-esteem and self-confidence matters what role personal responsibility plays in family life and how fathers and mothers can learn To say no.

Lastly, Juul illustrates how parents are Lighthouses can be for their children. All these aspects form the pillars for an appreciative and respectful coexistence in the family.

The central concept of equality always resonates in the philosophy of the therapist. This means that children, like adults, must be taken seriously and their boundaries and integrity must be respected. With this feeling of being a personality, children much preferred to cooperate, according to Juul, because they wanted to make their parents happy for anything in the world.

Solve conflicts communicatively and constructively

Meeting your offspring at eye level is what Juul emphasizes again and again, but does not mean that mothers and fathers no longer have any influence, are no longer allowed to make decisions and have to do everything the child wants. Rather, it means solving things in the family as communicatively as possible. In the event of conflicts, the expert relies on the principle: "More relaxation, more dialogue, less power struggle".

Children do not need a decisive upbringing, but rather explanation – in other words, responsible support from their parents who do not avoid arguments, but resolve them constructively. "The children can be involved in finding solutions by showing them the different needs and asking if they have a suggested solution." With this method, the youngsters not only learn the basic principle of democracy, but can also gain their own experiences. That promotes self-esteem or self-esteem.

Parents have to be like lighthouses

Juul’s view of the parental leadership role is most striking in his picture of the lighthouse. In contrast to helicopter parents, lighthouse parents do not hover over their offspring in a controlling manner. Rather, they give security, but also trust their children with responsibility by regularly sending signals and messages to their offspring floating around from a fixed point of view.

This lighthouse perspective also means that children who are slowly growing into life should not always be the unreserved focus within a family community, emphasizes Juul in his analysis. Within a family of equal value, everyone’s interests and wishes must always be taken into account. Parents therefore do not need to be permanently available as play partners or animators.

Don’t be afraid of unvarnished honesty

A prerequisite for a functioning education is to cultivate a culture of openness in which authenticity and honesty count. "Parents should express their own limits instead of setting limits for their children. And they have to stop playing a role. Often problems between children and parents then resolve." With this role, Juul means the social expectation that mothers and fathers always have to be friendly, understanding and perfect.

Saying no has to be learned

So it’s no wonder that insecure parents find it difficult to say a clear no to their children today. But Jesper Juul offers help on this point too. In his pedagogical structure based on tolerance and understanding, he expressly does not rule out a no, which is always an expression of a healthy conflict.

Parents should not only use no as a degrading, punishing word of power – for example to stop discussion and have their peace of mind, but rather as part of a parental declaration. "I don’t say no to the child because they ask a question or the question doesn’t suit me. Sometimes I have to say no to people I love because I have to say yes to myself."

Include children instead of exercising power

The essence of Juul’s pedagogical insight is that upbringing is not a one-sided parenting issue. In order for family life to function better, the Dane advises dialogue instead of punishment, inclusion instead of exercise of power and interest instead of control.

And he gives orientation-seeking parents on the way not to be afraid to openly show weaknesses and insecurities. In this way, parents can manage to train their offspring for life and not lose sight of themselves. 

Literature tip: Jesper Juul, "5 cornerstones for the family – how upbringing works" Kösel Verlag, 2015

Children need clear rules: friendly parents harm their children You have to, you can, you may: which parenting style suits you? Softened and incompetent: the ” drug pampering ” harms children

You can also find us on Facebook – now a fan of ours "Parent world" and join the discussion!

After posting her child’s pee on Facebook, the author Sarah Kuttner received many hateful comments. They were not directed against her, but against parents. We’re talking about "Kack-brazen mothers" and "Brat". What is smoldering between parents and the childless?

Kuttner (37) wrote: "Mothers who, in the middle of the Kiez, almost surrounded by cafes and therefore toilets, hold their children to pull trees: nope!".

You can hold what you want from children’s pee on trees. One thing is certain: gossip about parents is popular. The offspring named Karl-Emil, Iphigenie or the little one will be enjoyable "Fritz-Dinkeldoof" mocked. Books about anti-authoritarian or over-concerned parents sell well. A café operator who locks out a stroller with a concrete bollard in his shop in the Berlin district of Prenzlauer Berg is encouraged. "Finally" one internet user simply comments.

No passage for strollers. The archive picture from 2012 shows a large bollard in the entrance of the cafe "The Barn Roastery" in the Prenzlauer Berg district of Berlin. (Source: dpa)

Psychologist finds football comparison to be appropriate

But where does this desire for parenting bashing and the conviction that parenting can be better come from? The qualified psychologist Andreas Engel is reminded of the typical football fan who lies in front of the television and calls out to the coach what he has to do. "Everyone, really everyone, has an idea of ​​education" he says.